


"Charlie Dumps the Waitress"

by quentintarrantino



Category: It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-08-28
Updated: 2013-08-28
Packaged: 2017-12-24 22:49:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,054
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/945588
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/quentintarrantino/pseuds/quentintarrantino
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When Charlie and Mac start banging not a whole lot changes.</p>
            </blockquote>





	"Charlie Dumps the Waitress"

When Charlie and Mac start banging not a whole lot changes. They still do stupid shit with Dennis at the bar and still have no problems telling Dee she _still_ looks like some descendant of the Ostrich, they even do project badass tapes sometimes and Charlie and Dennis will sit in lawnchairs and watch Mac throw himself off buildings the only difference now is that Charlie will ask him if he’s alright and Mac will raise a tentative thumbs up which relaxes Charlie as he opens another beer and hunkers back down to discuss whether or not Law and Order can be watched in lieu of taking actual law school classes.

 

They still get drunk and they still scheme to get rich and the Gang is still very much intact and no one seems to care that they are fucking each other as long as nothing weird happens and it never does. Dennis is just infuriated that Mac willingly chose Charlie over him. Dennis Reynolds, the beautiful fusion of manly wiles and feminine mystique with a jawline that’s been chiseled out of fucking marble has been given a backseat to Charlie Kelly, the guy who should be a vegetable according to a doctor they took him to see once on account of him hallucinating from all the glue he’d huffed that day. Dennis Reynolds was passed up in favor of a four foot tall illiterate who sounded like a chain smoking teenage girl going through a really rough puberty. Now, that being said he liked Charlie and thought of him as a swell friend but in all honesty he was a piece of shit who smelled awful and drank way too much to be considered fucking material but here the two of them were, doing it anyway and even when Dennis actively tried to lure Mac away he seemed completely uninterested and upon consulting with Dee she had suggested that maybe Mac was into four foot tall glue huffing dudes. Dennis refused to accept that answer because Mac was his friend and he was not friends with people who liked to fuck people like Charlie, that’s why he found himself maintaining an excellent relationship with the Waitress after they banged, her needy and oversensitive personality is what ended up ruining it though but there was nothing to be done about that.

 

Granted, Charlie had mellowed considerably since they had begun banging, everyone noticed. It was probably because Mac was making him stop eating cat food and huffing glue, that made a big difference to his overall personality. Dennis would sit behind the bar and stare at them in the corner while Dee would prattle on about absolutely _nothing_ , god did she still think he listened to her how naïve could she be? Mac and Charlie weren’t really into that whole touchy-feely thing, thankfully because no one wanted to see that, but their dynamic had shifted so much it was impossible to overlook the way they behaved around each other. When they sat next to each other their shoulders touched but not in the friend way, definitely in the gay way, Frank had confirmed it when he brought it up. They definitely were into the gay shoulder touching.

 

The Waitress had come into the bar later on in the week, looking concerned and then emotionally torn up over experiencing that emotion, asking about Charlie. “Wait, I thought you hated Charlie, doesn’t he have spies follow you around and record what you do in a notebook?” Dee had piped up, nursing her beer and looking at the other women with contempt, Dennis didn’t blame her, the Waitress inspired similar feelings in himself.

 

“That’s the thing though, I haven’t seen spies around my apartment for at least two weeks, I haven’t seen Charlie either. Is he… still alive?” the Reynolds twins exchanged glances with each other and turned back to look at the Waitress with newfound interest.

 

“Yeah yeah he’s fine he’s banging someone else or whatever, but you’re saying that Charlie called off the whole stalking thing? I mean you were never really interesting enough to stalk but with Charlie’s level of obsession it’s understandable how he could warp you into a semi-attractive light.” Dennis leaned forward, trying to wrap his head around the fact that his friend was involved enough with Mac to drop this whole ongoing wooing of the Waitress.

 

As if their thoughts had summoned them, Mac and Charlie chose that moment to walk into the bar, arms extended and mouths open like they had news to share, both stopping short when they saw who had managed to get there before them. The Waitress was a little pink in the face at having been caught here although she really shouldn’t have been, Paddy’s was a pretty awesome place in general even someone as annoying as her could’ve seen that. “Hello Charlie.” She said, Dennis muttered to Dee that she sounded like rusty nails and his sister solemnly agreed.

 

Charlie blinked, looking confused as to what she was doing there but Mac started moving towards the bar and like he was attached to him his legs began to shuffle along with him, brow still furrowed as he looked to his friends for explanation. They shrugged in return, Dennis cracking open two beers for them to drink while this whole thing played out. “Hey, what are you doing here?” he asked, running his fingers through his hair as he took a decent swig of alcohol and wiped his mouth.

 

“You called off your spies dude.” Dennis reminded him and then understanding dawned on Charlie’s features and he seemed way more at ease, waving his hand dismissively as Mac was suddenly fascinated with the wall on the other side of the bar, staring at it intensely.

 

“Oh yeah, listen, that whole stalking thing,” he directed his words to the Waitress. “I’m kinda over it now, I mean it was fun and I know we both had the times of our lives-,”

 

“Debatable.” Dee interrupted.

 

“Completely false.” Dennis agreed.

 

“You went through my garbage Charlie.” The Waitress interceded.

 

“You know everyone has fun differently alright?” Charlie snapped in reply, going back to what he was saying before. “But anyway, yeah I’m kind of not feelin’ that whole thing anymore so I’m gonna be taking a break from that for the next few months or years or whatever because I kinda got my hands full with the whole rat problem and the city is getting on my case for burning garbage outside the bar. I just don’t have time for you anymore.” As far as break-ups went that was pretty heartless, Dennis was impressed that Charlie was capable of detaching himself from the Waitress, who looked just as shocked as everyone else.

 

Mac was smiling into his beer though, Dennis didn’t acknowledge it, he was still mad that his friend would rather fuck human trash then him. “Dennis said you’re seeing someone?” oh Jesus she just couldn’t let anything go, even the guy who’d been spying on her for years and she claimed to hate. She even looked insulted that he had lost interest in her, the nerve of some people.

 

Charlie’s eyebrows shot up in response to the question, jabbing a thumb over his shoulder, completely unabashed. “Oh yeah, Mac.”

 

“They’re banging.” Frank piped up from the back office, unseen but always listening. Dennis hoped he hadn’t heard all that shit about stealing the deed to the bar and forging it so he, Mac, and Charlie were the owners again. “And I keep the deed hidden.” The voice sounded off one more time. Fuck.

 

“Listen Waitress, Charlie’s said his piece and frankly you disgust him now and you’ve always disgusted us so maybe it’s time you go one your merry way.” Dennis interjected whatever she had started to say, the rest of the Gang nodded in agreement with his words and a rather hurt Waitress exited the bar but not before asking for a beer for the road which Dennis figured was only fair seeing as she had just gotten dumped by Charlie Kelly and that would drive anyone over the edge. If you didn’t match up to Charlie’s standards whose standards did you match up to?

 

The bar was silent for a few beats before Mac turned to Charlie with a scowl. “Did you say you’ve been burning garbage behind the bar?”

 

Charlie looked at him blankly. “What? No.”

 

“I definitely remember hearing something about garbage burning outside the bar.” Dennis intoned, cocking his head at his friends. “Do you still believe that the smoke makes stars, Charlie?”

 

“Again, we don’t know enough about stars to debate it Dennis.” Mac defended, arms dropping off the bar into his lap. Dennis could probably guess that he was holding Charlie’s hand. Mac was his best friend though, blood brothers even, and his lowered standards- while a cause for concern- was just another unfortunate thing he would just have to live with. He’d probably try a few more times to see if Mac had at least the smallest ounce of sexual attraction to him, who didn’t in all honesty, but Charlie seemed pretty happy and he’d be a real dick to fuck that up. Especially since the last guy who’d fucked with the object of his affections had gotten hornets delivered to him in a box.

 

Later on in the day when Charlie and Mac were off in their corner doing the gay shoulder touching thing they like to do, Dennis and Frank would sit and watch them quietly from the bar, discussing who was the bottom and whether or not they had any power and then this ended up in an argument over the true meaning of power bottom and neither really figured it out. Frank guessed Charlie because he was wimpy and weak willed and being an illiterate had to factor in somewhere but Dennis knew Mac cried when he watched the Notebook so it was really a tossup, Dee broke the tie siding with Frank but then eventually was coaxed to his side after he brought up the time that he banged their mom and all he wanted to do was talk about his feeling the whole month afterwards.

 

Someone in the neighborhood was burning a car in an abandoned lot, Dee said it was the guy in her building who they knew was a serial killer, something about faking his own death and Charlie and Mac came along to help give pointers if they saw him there but it was just a collection of homeless people and the crack addicts that hung out in the alley which was a real bummer but they brought a shitload of beer and decided maybe to just kick back and enjoy it for the time being. Dennis and Dee sat next to each other, their new hobby was watching Mac and Charlie do their thing together, it was fascinating and intrusive all at once.

 

Charlie and Mac were not doing the gay shoulder touching thing, November in Philadelphia meant that it was cold as balls and while everyone else had thought to bring a coat Charlie did not, reasoning that the heat of the fire should’ve warmed him and of course it didn’t. Mac stood behind him, his chin resting on the top of Charlie’s head while he had the infamous duster extended to cover part of Charlie too while they drank their beers and seemed relatively unbothered by everyone watching them touching each other.

 

“No matter how many times I watch it’s always weird.” Frank muttered from the ground beside them and Dennis and Dee nodded in unison.

 

“I’m never going to be over the fact that out of all the people in the world Mac chose Charlie.” Dennis fumed.

 

“Do you think they sleep in the same bed? Or does Charlie have his sleeping bag over at your apartment?” Dee asked.

 

“Definitely same bed, when they get drunk I hear them fucking.” Her brother complained. Everyone decided this was disgusting to talk about and moved on back to the Law and Order thing at which point Charlie overheard and had to put his two cents in and it was really useless because he misused the word filibuster at least seven times throughout the course of the debate. 


End file.
